Geoff-Stephen, July 4, 2015 to March 4, 2017

I've waited to write this, for several reasons. Partially because this is a public record, and I don't want to cause harm. Also because I wasn't ready to figure out what to say. I think, if I'm being honest, it was mostly because I didn't want it to be true; because I'm still in denial. Perhaps writing this will help me bring it to a close.

It was the fourth of July, and I'd had a few ciders to drink. Stephen, Steve and I were hanging out, and with my inhibitions lowered, I went in for the cuddle. It surprised Stephen, I think, but not unpleasantly.

In the next days, he was unsure. He said he didn't want a serious relationship, but was willing to see where it went. So that's what we did, hanging out increasingly often.

At the end of April in 2016, we went on a trip together to Ojo Caliente hot springs in New Mexico. Thankfully he drove; although the drive down was clear and dry, snow rolled in as we were leaving for home, but he handled the drive well and we made it back safely.

However, the situation with the relationship was, at times, difficult to discern. Although I tried to be easy to discuss things with, there were times when things bubbled up that had clearly been festering for a while. I should have done a better job addressing these and providing verbal support, but I did not.

Saturday the fourth of March, the 610th day, it became clear that he was going to end it. He had become more distant over the previous couple weeks, and as we made plans for dinner a sense of foreboding grew.

He told me that he didn't want to see me anymore, that he wanted to be friends but that it would take him some time to come to that place. I don't recall him saying why, but I think the greatest factor was that he had developed feelings that he had said at the outset he didn't want. There were probably other causes as well, but I know that I fell for him harder than I had expected to. And the past few months have shown me that I fell even harder than I had thought. I haven't heard from him at all in that time, which may be what he needs but it continues to hurt me.

I've asked myself if I should never have gone in for the cuddle in the first place, if I should have let us continue as friends. I've decided that I do not regret that choice. There are things I would try to do differently if I had it to do again, but some things aren't evident while they're happening. Together we had some wonderful times, and despite the pain I feel now, I think it was worth it. I hope that someday we will, in fact, be able to be friends again, because I do miss him.

In the meantime, thank you, Stephen, for the time we had together.