Monday, September 05, 2005

President Bush declares 'War on Weather'

This post is fictional (well... mostly) and intended as amusement only. Probably the people mentioned haven't said anything of the kind.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a move that Republican leaders called, 'decisive,' and, 'the mark of a true leader,' President Bush declared in a short speech today the beginnings of a new "War on Weather" in response to Hurricane Katrina:
"America will not stand for this kind of tragedy on American soil. The big boys of Weather have got to learn that you Don't Mess with Texas."

When reminded that Hurricane Katrina hit largely Louisiana and Alabama, the President responded, "When you mess with any part of the U.S., you mess with Texas."
"I call the nation and, most especially, the Congress to band together in the aftermath of this terrible act of destruction, and authorize a new Department of Homeland Weather Security to ensure that we can stamp out all those storms that seek to destroy our way of life here in the U.S."

The new Department of Homeland Weather Security was introduced to the Congress in March, 2005, under the title, "Weather Modification Operations and Research Board," passed out of committee in both the Senate and the House, and was passed unanimously, under the urging of President Bush, and will take effect starting October 1, 2005.

Critics of the President's plan call the Department, "impossible," and, "a huge waste of money," to which the President responded, "Which is a bigger waste of money, the hurricane or the department?" Critics had no response.

The purpose of the department will be to carefully monitor all meteorological activity inside the United States and near its borders, and detain or deport those storms that may pose a threat.

Mark Udall (D-Colorado), House sponsor of the bill, said in a statement following the president's speech, "The breadth of this department is wide. It will cover not only hurricanes and other tropical storms, but also tornadoes, floods and blizzards. This is the beginning of a new era of stratospheric peace, though the road may be long and difficult."
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