Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Confusion

Alright, well let's get started.

Saturday was work, wherein I got locked out of the building for a half hour because my key doesn't work on the outside of the building. Then, after that, I went and got Steve and we returned this gal's wallet. After, we went to see The Incredibles, which I've already reviewed (see below), having Panda Express beforehand. Then, we came back up to Boulder and kept ourselves occupied until it was time for SNL at Scott's. After, we returned to my apartment and were intimate until, well, late, and then we went to bed. In the morning, more groping and such. Then, while he watched Into the Woods, I made spaghetti, the way mom used to make it (well, minus the ground beef): cook the spaghetti, then add velveeta and spaghetti sauce to the still-heated pot of spaghetti. Mmmm. Garlic and basil spaghetti sauce, too, with chunks of garlic in it. Tasty. Anyway, we moved out into the living room to finish the show and eat lunch, and he fell asleep in my lap a couple of times. (I didn't have the heart to keep waking him up). We also watched some Simpsons and Will and Grace while we were there... though 'watched' might not be quite the right word.

Then we took a shower (I suggested it because I like to be clean and I feel grimy if I don't take one; I found out today that he seems to have had issues in the past with being teased about not showering enough. I didn't care whether he smelled or not [not that I smelled any better]; mostly I wanted to bathe and to fool around). After, we decided we should probably get going so I could get to my meeting on time and still have dinner, so we went to a Noodles & Co. on the way to his house. I had Orange Cream Soda there, which was tasty. I don't get enough cream soda. When we got to his place, we went inside and laid down for a bit. Then, Opie called and he and I decided it wasn't really necessary for me to be at the meeting, so I stayed a while longer in Steve's arms before I left to go do my homework.

Monday I had class, and the induction ceremony for PSP. Also homework, which I did eventually finish. And a long discussion with Steve about our relationship. For some time, he has been arguing that, even though we use different terms to describe the same thing, it is, in fact, the same thing. But... I'm not so sure any more. First, he described the relationship as high-risk, which is certainly not how I would classify it at all. But perhaps he's putting more into it emotionally than I am. I dunno. Anyway, he then changed it to "moderate risk" after I said that I wouldn't consider it as such. For reasons that are becoming increasingly clear as we further discuss. And part of me understands. But part doesn't. And... sometimes part of me does want to behave in the way that is causing his insecurities. Mostly not, but sometimes.

I will admit that I'm young, and that this is my first serious relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I'm taking it more seriously than he is, and then sometimes I don't think I'm taking it seriously enough. And I want to make him happy, and I supposedly do, but... I dunno. I wonder, sometimes. I wonder whether it's me that's making him happy, or simply the fact that there's someone there. I wonder whether it's him that's making me happy, or simply that someone's there.

There's something else that's been bothering me. I saw Nathan again today. And I couldn't go up to him and say hi. He makes me feel... nervous, ashamed, scared... And I was only with him for a few weeks.

What's going to happen to me if Steve and I break up?

Once, he mentioned having had, in previous relationships, this wondering whether there was something better or if he was missing out somehow. And, I sometimes do wonder that now. There are times that I'd like to be single, or at least be able to persue someone or something without having to think about my relationship with him. Which is not to say that I don't love him, love spending time with him, or that I'm not happier and more content being with him.

I dunno. This is probably way more than you ever wanted to know about me. So, I'll stop here.
Post a Comment